Posts tagged yoga

I’ve been reading The Shadow by Deepak Chopra, and I feel this struggle more than ever now with wanting to connect to wholeness and feeling this pull into duality. At my core “I am love”, and everything from an external point doesn’t really bring us into wholeness, because everything that is external is something that can be gained or lost and with loss comes hurt. The only true way to connect to wholeness is to connect within. We must “transcend the shadow”. 

As much as I feel this need to go within, I am having very strong feelings of the opposing force, duality. This is bringing up deep seeded fears that I have: the fear of rejection, of not being good enough, of disappointing those closest to me, of upsetting anyone (which I find ironic because upsetting myself doesn’t seem to be something I’m afraid of doing, I tend to do it a lot lately), the fear of not looking good enough, the fear of being strongly judged by others (and yes I know, I am my strongest critic, we all are) and the fear of “messing” things up. I’m trying to not attach myself to these thoughts and feelings, but merely notice them. It’s tough though when these thoughts and feelings come along with strong emotions. I’m letting these strong emotions play their part and work through me. This seems to be aiding this urge to dig deep within me to find that connectedness rather than from this outside world. It doesn’t exist in the outside world, and I’m really starting to see this. Anything that seems to have brought me strong feelings of happiness and bliss that are not from within, seem to be disappointing me as of late. That run that I would go on that would make me feel so happy and energetic, is making me overwhelmed with feelings of being tired and lethargic, the haircut/color that would boost my self esteem, is making me feel more self conscious than ever, the list goes on. It’s not when I find that “perfect balance” that I will be happy, because that balance can always be thrown out of whack, therefore bringing me sadness. It is when I learn to transcend those fears and that duality into the wholeness that I will be at peace. 

I encourage all of you to be as honest with yourselves as possible. Even if it’s just with the thoughts inside your head. I know that in this lifetime I’m here to eventually help each and every one of you on your path, but in order to be the best teacher, healer, friend, partner, neighbor and do-gooder, I need to really work through all of these things that cause pain and suffering in my life. I need to truly learn how to transcend them, not just avoid them. I need to “walk the talk” as authentically as possible. 

Thank each and every one of you for coming here and reading this post today. I’m not afraid to put this out there to everyone, to show you ALL what’s coming up from deep inside of me. I need to be vulnerable with my thoughts, feelings and appearance, to see that these feelings can be worked through. Logically I understand this, but I need to go through the actions to make this a truth for myself. My ego may be a little bruised, but my Self will still be as strong and as beautiful as ever.